September 26, 2018

It's been about two months since we added a new member to Team R. Miss Hattie (aka #Hattiegirl) settled in quickly and made sure that her presence was felt. She bites, she barks, she paws at our arms and feet. She's chewed, she's eaten, she's cause laughter and worry. And I love her. Almost as much as I love you Baby.

Here's to all of the four-legged members of Team R. Forever will they be in our hearts.

Team R Roll Call

Perfect. In time, in place, in size and shape. 

Everything about you was just what was needed

Prior to you it was quiet

Possibly too much

Everyone who met you loved you

Rightfully so. You were wonderful

Filling a hole that wasn't empty yet

It was amazing to see you blossom

Only when you were a single did we really learn about your personality

Nothing prepared us for your leaving us

And we will never forget you

Hardly a sound when we met

Almost too small to be believed

Too long without a furry, fuzzy companion for us

Then you were spotted and it was instant

I knew that you would be ours with that first gasp

Each day has been an adventure, and I love it

Welcome to the team new girlie

Each member is unique and loved

Always know that we love you

Remember that we will always come back

Every time we go, you are with us

Three years between members was a long time

Even though it was good to be free, we missed it

Always looking, checking for the right time; right friend

Missing those who were no longer in the house

Rescuing you was amazing

April 30, 2019

Difficult

The hours that I spend at work, away from you

It's difficult

Away from the one that I love the most

It's difficult

When I have to stay late, even though the money is good

It's difficult

You go into the office early because of so much to do

It's difficult

No warm fuzzy head on the pillow by yours

It's difficult

Limited travel because of our calendars

It's difficult

Seeing you smile when I greet you at the door

Makes it worth it

Holding your hand as we walk down the street

Makes it worth it

A wink, a quick kiss, a pat on my butt

Makes it worth it

Having our goal defined and seeing it getting closer

Makes it worth it

March 21, 2019

For World Poetry Day I write these words. They are simple and off the top of my head. Enjoy them.

World Poetry Day 2019

Last night I laid in our bed alone

You were out of town on business

That I understood, as it is the time of year

But this was a different alone

I missed all of you girls

You, and Fiona, and Pepper

My girls were all gone

Even though you are all always with me

I set the timer for two hours

And the sound to a rhythmic tick-tock

I drifted off quickly and then snapped awake

And saw that it had only been a few minutes

There was too much room

My feet were free and unfettered

My shoulders not touching yours

No gentle breathing, from you or them, in my ears

I closed my eyes and pictured you

Your smile, your eyes

I pictured Pepper and her fuzzy ears

Fiona's white face by my face

That was what I needed and to sleep I fell

In my dreams you were there

With Our Girls

And I didn't miss you as much for the night

Anniversary #10

Ten years of us, of love, of We

The best ten years of life for me

We’ve shared laughs and tears and pain

But rest assured that I’d go through it again

With you

I haven’t been the best that I could

And I haven’t always done what I should

You given me joy that I barely deserve

You’re the love of my life and that’s for sure

I love you

The best doggie mommy that our girls could have had

Losing them both made us immeasurably sad

But the memories of you with them makes me smile

And the pain of their loss is gone for a while

They love you

We’ve traveled the country and seen the sights

We’ve held hands in the desert and on Alaskan nights

Seen colors of leaves in the autumn Maine sun

And watched herds of animals on the run

Me and you

Ten more years, and then more and more

Together we’ll see what the world has in store

We are the best match and I give you my heart

Forever, together, and never apart

Team R

It's been a couple of weeks since we bid a fond and teary farewell to our beloved Fiona. She was such a good dog, like our other wonderful pooch Pepper (aka Pepperoni) that her loss is felt quite sharply. And it's not just that there's no little nose greeting us at the door when we get home. There are numerous things that aren't there any more. 

I Don't Miss What I Miss

Things I don’t have to worry about now that Team R is only two members:

Not having room at the foot of the bed

Not feeling a wet nose on my head

Chilly walks by the moonlight

Grunts and woofs in the middle of the night

Brushing teeth and the stinky breath

Trimming nails and feet that smell like death

A sore back from giving a bath

A smiling smirk as I pick up the trash

Spots of saliva on the chair arms

Adjusting the blinds so that there’s proper warmth

Appointments and pills on a peanut butter spoon

A sigh of annoyance as I walk into the room

But...now that Team R is only two members I miss

Sore knees from keeping my legs bent

Seeing the noses, asleep and bent

Talking and walking on our walks

Watching you dream and hearing you talk

Treats after cleaning your teeth in the morn

Watching you sleep as I would grind down the claws

Lifting you both in and out of the tub

The looks of innocence; the looks of love

Hearing your tongue as it ran along the chair

Making sure of the temperature of the air

Seeing the doctor's smile when they see you

Hearing your sigh whenever I’d near you

I’d give anything to have you both back, but you won’t ever leave us. Team R will always be

Pepper

and Fiona

and Mommy

and Me

February 1, 2016 - 0900

Yesterday was the culmination of two of the worst days off in my life. It started fine and then spiraled down into the bottom of a pit that all pet owners eventually end up in. Our beautiful, sweet, gentle pup Fiona left us. She'd been slowing lately, but we had no idea what was actually going on. When we found out what her actual malady was, the choice was clear. Painful, but clear.

This is for her. For all of the dogs who don't live long enough. For the owners who cry at their loss. For the memories that last forever.

Gone Too Soon

She was only nine and a half when she departed

After a long day that scared us all

Staying in strange places. With strange people

Not being able to be near us

I wonder what was in her mind

Was she lonely? I know I was without her

There was too much room at the foot of the bed

Without her there

Was she scared? We were, not knowing what was wrong

Unable to help her in any way

Feeling helpless while she was taken to and fro

From table to table

When we finally got the answers we were stunned

There were silent tears

This was it. This was the last time

She would be with us

And so, after the papers were taken care of

She was put on a soft, warm bed

And then with her pillow under her head

And her family by her side

She closed her eyes the one last time

And drifted away peacefully

Leaving her broken shell behind

She was only nine and a half when she departed

November 14, 2015 - 2300

The words come, the words go. The ones that stick around end up first on paper and then on this screen.

I love listening to music of all kinds. I have an eclectic collection of everything from A to Z. Pop, rock, metal, punk, opera, classical, ska. You name it I probably have a song in that genre. And with that come a lot of memories attached to songs. Some are guaranteed to bring a smile to my face as I travel back in my mind to the time that is being invoked by that tune. Others make me so sad that I only need to hear a few bars of the beginning and the tears well up in my eyes and I have to change the song.

This is about the latter.

It Isn't Their Fault, But It Isn't Fair

Driving to work, listening to a CD

I cried. A song reminds me so much

of that sweet, sweet pup

That I can't listen to it any more

It's stupid. It's only a song

And a good one as well

But it's forever tied to her

And her being gone. It's ruined

October 8, 2015 - 0900

Hearing about another dog leaving the world and her people always makes me reflect on our sweet girl. I know that I've written thousands of words about Pepper, but that's how it goes. And most of them have been sad and that's how that goes as well.

This is one that came to me when I was in my car at work and a shadow crossed my vision. There was nothing there when I turned my head but it got me thinking.

Grey Ghost

When I feed our dog

Sometimes I hear two sets of feet

Clicking across the floor

In the kitchen

I know there's only one dog

But I also feel like she's there

Her stubby tail wagging

To and fro

When I'm watching TV

Or reading I see our dog

Sleeping and sometimes I

Glimpse her going up the stairs

I don't really but I think I do

Her wide hips switching

Left and right as she

Hops up each riser

When I'm laying in bed

With a book or device in hand

I think I feel her jump

Onto the bed by my feet

I know she's not there

She left us three years ago

But in my mind I see her

Hear her. And always miss her

October 7, 2015 - 1500

It's been a long time since I've written anything here, or at all. The inspiration to write isn't always with me and that leads to long periods where I don't write anything at all. Then something happens and I put pen to page. Literally. I will hand write everything first, revise it so that I like what I've written and then type it out for this place.

In this instance, a friend has had to make the horribly difficult decision to take her faithful dog on that last car ride. Anyone who's a dog owner or pet owner knows how heartbreaking this is. I actually called it "heart crushing" because that's what happened to me and my wife when that decision was made at our house. It's been three years and we still talk about, laugh about, and sometimes even cry about Pepperoni.

So this is for you Lucy. Beloved companion to a friend. Anyone who knows will understand.

For Lucy

We found out last night

That a friends dog had reached
The end of her days

Her time had come

She wasn't even my dog

But I cried. I was sad

Thinking of a friend who

Has to make such a decision

I was also sad for my dog

Gone these three years plus

But sitting in an urn

On our dresser. Still wearing her collar

And I was sad for our dog

A gray-faced gray; tail still whippy

But easily injured and slowing

From her puppy like ways

I'm sad for all of these things

Dogs and people and urns

Gray faces and stubby tails

And all of the dogs I don't even know

October 13, 2014 - 1007

I posted this a FB as well. Last night I couldn't sleep very well at first. I kept thinking of Pepper, our wonderful Weimaraner who we said goodbye to 06/09/12. So I got out of bed and wrote this.

The Worst Day of My Life

The night before the day it happened

We cried. We knew it was time

So we gave her her favorite things

Soft food and bones and cookie

Pet and hugs and kisses

We had a mattress in the dining room

Because she couldn’t get up the stairs any more

Even though I could carry her up

Coming down caused her much anxiety

So we slept with her downstairs

On that morning there were more tears

I hadn’t cried for my grandfather

The inspiration for my entire professional life

Or for a friend who killed himself with no explanation

But for her I held nothing back

It was a short drive there

Less than half a mile door to door

But I made it last as long as I could

I didn’t want to make this trip

As necessary as it was

We waited until the last possible minute

Before I carried her inside

They all knew her, loved her

But not like we did; not like I did

I held her in my lap until they called us

In a small room. On a white tile floor. On a soft blue blanket

I sat her down and she laid down on the blanket

She was ready. I knew it but I wasn’t

I didn’t want to see her go

But it was time to let go

As she drifted away I held her

Her last sleep was in my arms

I’ll never forget her fur against my face

The soft whisper of her last breath

As she said goodbye to me

And I to her

June 9, 2014 - 0850

I wrote for 30 days straight, and then took over a month off. That seems about right.

I'm back today to put more words on the page for a very special member of Team R. It was 2 years ago that we lost her and it still hurts us. We talk about her all the time, make jokes at her expense, and tell stories of her exploits. But mostly, we miss her. So very much.

The Loss Is Great, The Memories Are The Same

I woke early today with her top of mind

The kind of mind that wonders about the loss of family

And wanders from memory to memory of her fuzzy face

Missing from this place for two years

Two years to the day, she went away and we had to say

Goodbye. Farewell our friend. It was the end of her days

It seemed like that day wouldn't end, it replays over and over in my mind

Again and again that fateful day that I knew would come

But I didn't want it to. I wanted it to never come

To somehow pass us by. To let her lie with us forever

And ever in our heart and home, never gone. Never gone

And she isn't. She's always with us in our hearts

Some days are easy. I'm too busy to be sad for her

I don't stop and think how much she would have liked a cookie

Or fries from my plate. But on this date I know they won't wait

They'll invade me like invaders at the castle gate

I won't stop them. I let the memories come in and ransack my mind

I let them flood over me like tidal waters breaking a dam

I let them wash away my anger of not thinking of her

Cleaning my heart with my own tears

I miss her. We miss her, every day that she isn't laying on the bed

Is another day that we are reminded that we are one less

There will always be four members of the team

Always the four forever and ever more

It isn't the memories that hurt us the most. Those are what keep her alive

For us, for me, it's the thought that I will forget her

That I will let her slip from my mind and be gone from the team

That is the most painful. That she would be only a dream

So I keep the pictures close at hand, on my phone and in my office

In my direct line of sight so that I might never let her go

Even though...she is gone

She's never gone from my mind

Every second, of every minute, of every day she's with us

In some way. Whether it's a small picture on a phone

Or a piece of cloth wrapped around a lamp or on a leash

A tag on a chain, or simply a memory burning in our brains

National Poetry Writing Month - April 26, 2014

Yesterday I wrote about my wonderful wife. She's the brightest star in my galaxy and I love her dearly. Today, I will show my love for the other two girls in my world, our dogs Fiona and Pepper.

Normally, I'd give Pepper top billing, but I feel that it wouldn't be fair to Fiona anymore. We had to say our goodbyes to Pepper almost two years ago and it still hurts me to think about it. But whenever I get too down, I think of Fiona and her wacky antics and snugly ways and I smile all over again. This one is for you girls.

Furry Friends

These are the children in our house

One rambunctious, one quiet as a mouse

Quite a pair of pups we have

When thinking of the one makes me blue

The other makes me laugh, she always comes through

I love them with all of my heart

There are times when I call one by the other name

I feel bad when I do, and she's not to blame

I'm forgiven with wet, doggy kisses

Pictures and video of the one we miss

Taking more of the same of our current miss

We'll never forget either of them when they're gone

She's always in mind and always will be

And so is the other undoubtedly

My mind, my heart, our dogs, forever

National Poetry Writing Month - April 19, 2014

Despite it being a Saturday afternoon/evening and the weather being fairly nice the day was pretty mellow. We stopped a couple of folks from a known drug house but overall it was uneventful. It makes for little inspiration for work, but I did see some dogs playing and that always makes me smile.

Pups On Parade

Seeing them prance and pounce

On the sidewalks and in the parks

Always makes me happy

Seeing the Pups on Parade

Chasing sticks and balls and toys

Slobbering and scratching

And rolling in the grass

Happy Pups on Parade

Watching them play with their people

I wish I was home with ours

To enjoy her antics as she gallops around

Our beautiful Pup on Parade

I bide my time and end my shift

Heading home to the house

With wife and dog

And hopefully see our Pup on Parade

February 11, 2014 - 1100

My work schedule is sometimes hectic. As a shift worker, I am officially assigned to work 3pm to 11pm. However, as the police that can change at a moments notice. And lately it's been at a point where we as a department have been working 12 hour shifts, some more often than not. Even myself, as the supervisor and one who does the scheduling, this means making some folks unhappy with my decisions. I am not one to shrink from my own responsibility as an officer either. I work the 12 hour shifts just like every other officer in the department. It takes a toll on a persons sleeping pattern, eating habits, exercise routine, and family life. These are a few lines on my own thoughts about extra work.

Sometimes Money Isn't Worth The Cost

While the money is always good

And appreciated when the time comes

The times missed with my wife and dog

Are not measured in dollars and cents

I am not worried about the lost sleep

While I am out on the road patrolling

It's the time lost with my family at home

Worried about me that's precious and gone

The pup remembers me when I come home

Whether it's midnight or four in the morning

My wife sleeps a fitful sleep when I'm not there

When I am out making the city safe for strangers

Every hour, minute, second that I am over

I am under pressure, self-induced, to make a difference

There is no pressure to do anything but be there

But I am more than just a body in a car

Crawling the streets, I am more than a uniform

In a gaudily decorated automobile; standing out in the dark

I am standing out in the dark to keep

Bad guys at bay, and so that good people can sleep

Even when my wife, at home alone, can't sleep well until I am there with her.

January 22, 2014 - 1450

Did You Hear That?

Tick tick tick

The sound of the clock in the room

A monotonous droning

The whoosh of the watered air

Click click click

Keys on the keyboard

The gentle sound of fan blades

Easy breathing through a long, white-furred nose

Drip drip drip

As ice melts in the door

Rustling leaves on the side of the house

Blowing in the wintry breeze

Skip skip skip

Neighborhood kids playing on the sidewalk

Crunching frosty bits under boots

Cheeks and chins wind burnt and happy

Thump thump thump

My heart in my breast in the silence

Steady and calm as words finally return

To a page too long empty

October 30, 2013 - 1230

Today would have been the 15th birthday of our wonderful, sweet doggie Pepper. We said good-bye to her last June and every day we think about her, talk about her in some way, look at something that reminds us of her. Her memory will live on with us forever and in that way, she gets to live on forever. Since it's her birthday we wanted to do something for her memory. I'm not good at coming up with ideas like this, and even more so when there is such strong emotion attached to it. But, as I was thinking of her and missing her on her special day today, I came up with these words for her. Happy Birthday Pepperoni. We love you. We miss you.

509 Days

It's been 509 days since we said good-bye to you

I've grown 509 new gray hairs in your memory

I've shed 509 tears at your loss

I've said I love you 509 times

509 thoughts of you have passed through my mind

And 509 more. And more. And more

509 pictures of other dogs who look like you

Not one of them is as wonderful. You're 509 times better than they

In those 509 days I've talked about you

To at least 509 people, or so it seems

Maybe I've just talked to myself 509 times about you

So that I can never forget you

Your face has appeared to me 509 times

Pictures, video, thoughts and dreams - 509 memories

Frozen in my mind for the last 509 days

And each time, 509 times, it's made me smile

I know that no other could take your place

509 others could walk through my life and not be you

I wouldn't try. It would be 509 times as hard to replace you

So I won't. It's 509 times as easy to not

Someone could give me 509 reasons to let go

That these 509 days were wasted thinking about you

They'd be wrong. I haven't wasted 509 days by remembering you

I've relived 13 years with you.

September 4, 2013 - 1020

I've heard and read that if you're going to write, you should stick with what you know. It makes it easier and you'll be more prolific and happier with what you have put down. So, I started thinking about what I know, and what I like to write about.

Calliope, Erato, and Thalia

I didn't want to stick with just writing about my dogs

or my job or my family

But that's all that inspires me

These three things are my muses

I don't want to bore the readers with

how I think about my sweet dog not being with us any more

How sometimes I laugh about her and sometimes I cry

and she's been gone for over a year

I didn't want people to think that I was only the police

and that all I could tell them were stories about drunks

and fights, and blood and pain

But some days that's my job

I was not really willing to tell everybody how much I care

about my wife; how much she inspires me every day

To be a better man that I ever thought I could be

But it's the truth. She does

Zoomies and whippy tails and squeaky toys

Lights and sirens and radios

Smiles and warmth and love

This is what I love to write about

January 28, 2013 - 0900

This originally started out as what I call a "snippet". Just a little bit of verse or a few lines that I save and hope to fill out into something later. I ended up writing the whole thing in about 20 minutes.

Coyotes

It was the deepest part of the night

Just before it becomes morning

As the dog and I walked

In our dark neighborhood

From my right I heard

A coyote bay

A sharp, long, lonely sound

A lost friend. A sad cry

We walked on; it didn't seem close

But who could tell

Echoes and trees have a way

Of distorting a sounds direction

Then from the left

Another coyote calls

Answering a friends call

Friends finding friends in the blackness

At first, I smiled

Nature at it's most natural

Two scavenger-predators

Out for a meal and a chat

But the baying kept on

My dog, oblivious to the potential danger

Kept at the business of her business

Nose to the ground, ears missing her kin

I understood what was happening

At least, I felt like I did

We were being watched

We were being followed

Turning us back towards the house

The call and respond followed

Down the sidewalk and to the driveway

Never getting closer, always following

I let out my breath as we went inside

They couldn't get in our house

My grip relaxed on the butt of my pistol

My dog begged for her treat

Memories Of Birthdays Past

This is again for Pepperoni. Today is her birthday, and it's very difficult for me to not think of her. So, I won't try.

Strong, Young...That's How You're Remembered

She would have been 14 today

And if her eyes were still bright

She would watch me

As I put on her birthday hat

She would have been 14 today

And if her nose were still sharp

She would smell the cake

That we'd buy for her

She would have been 14 today

And if her muscles were still strong

I would have taken a long walk with her

If she wanted to go

She would have been 14 today

And if there were no pain in her hips

We would have played

Like she was still a puppy

She would have been 14 today

If all of these things weren't true

And they weren't all in the past

She would have been 14 today

June 26, 2012 - 0445

It's taken just over two weeks since I could read what I've written here and not break down and cry my guts out. On 06-09-2012, we had to say good bye to the best dog I will ever know. There isn't much more to say than that.

Good-Bye, My Friend

It’s not fair that you won’t live as long as me
When there are so many things we’ve yet to see
It makes me so sad, knowing you have to go
But the both of us are smart enough to know

That your once bright eyes are now so dim
So much so that you’ve lost your vim
And the legs that carried you strong and fast
Are shaky and weak, your muscle long past

We no longer run, and jump and play
I watch you now as you sleep all day
You’re tired I know, it’s been a good life
Never gone hungry, never felt strife

I’ll miss you my girl, now no longer in pain
You don’t have to worry about cold or the rain
Rest easy now Pepper, but I still don’t know why
Our friends have to leave us, our dogs have to die