September 26, 2018

It's been about two months since we added a new member to Team R. Miss Hattie (aka #Hattiegirl) settled in quickly and made sure that her presence was felt. She bites, she barks, she paws at our arms and feet. She's chewed, she's eaten, she's cause laughter and worry. And I love her. Almost as much as I love you Baby.

Here's to all of the four-legged members of Team R. Forever will they be in our hearts.

Team R Roll Call

Perfect. In time, in place, in size and shape. 

Everything about you was just what was needed

Prior to you it was quiet

Possibly too much

Everyone who met you loved you

Rightfully so. You were wonderful

Filling a hole that wasn't empty yet

It was amazing to see you blossom

Only when you were a single did we really learn about your personality

Nothing prepared us for your leaving us

And we will never forget you

Hardly a sound when we met

Almost too small to be believed

Too long without a furry, fuzzy companion for us

Then you were spotted and it was instant

I knew that you would be ours with that first gasp

Each day has been an adventure, and I love it

Welcome to the team new girlie

Each member is unique and loved

Always know that we love you

Remember that we will always come back

Every time we go, you are with us

Three years between members was a long time

Even though it was good to be free, we missed it

Always looking, checking for the right time; right friend

Missing those who were no longer in the house

Rescuing you was amazing

It's been a couple of weeks since we bid a fond and teary farewell to our beloved Fiona. She was such a good dog, like our other wonderful pooch Pepper (aka Pepperoni) that her loss is felt quite sharply. And it's not just that there's no little nose greeting us at the door when we get home. There are numerous things that aren't there any more. 

I Don't Miss What I Miss

Things I don’t have to worry about now that Team R is only two members:

Not having room at the foot of the bed

Not feeling a wet nose on my head

Chilly walks by the moonlight

Grunts and woofs in the middle of the night

Brushing teeth and the stinky breath

Trimming nails and feet that smell like death

A sore back from giving a bath

A smiling smirk as I pick up the trash

Spots of saliva on the chair arms

Adjusting the blinds so that there’s proper warmth

Appointments and pills on a peanut butter spoon

A sigh of annoyance as I walk into the room

But...now that Team R is only two members I miss

Sore knees from keeping my legs bent

Seeing the noses, asleep and bent

Talking and walking on our walks

Watching you dream and hearing you talk

Treats after cleaning your teeth in the morn

Watching you sleep as I would grind down the claws

Lifting you both in and out of the tub

The looks of innocence; the looks of love

Hearing your tongue as it ran along the chair

Making sure of the temperature of the air

Seeing the doctor's smile when they see you

Hearing your sigh whenever I’d near you

I’d give anything to have you both back, but you won’t ever leave us. Team R will always be

Pepper

and Fiona

and Mommy

and Me

November 14, 2015 - 2300

The words come, the words go. The ones that stick around end up first on paper and then on this screen.

I love listening to music of all kinds. I have an eclectic collection of everything from A to Z. Pop, rock, metal, punk, opera, classical, ska. You name it I probably have a song in that genre. And with that come a lot of memories attached to songs. Some are guaranteed to bring a smile to my face as I travel back in my mind to the time that is being invoked by that tune. Others make me so sad that I only need to hear a few bars of the beginning and the tears well up in my eyes and I have to change the song.

This is about the latter.

It Isn't Their Fault, But It Isn't Fair

Driving to work, listening to a CD

I cried. A song reminds me so much

of that sweet, sweet pup

That I can't listen to it any more

It's stupid. It's only a song

And a good one as well

But it's forever tied to her

And her being gone. It's ruined

October 8, 2015 - 0900

Hearing about another dog leaving the world and her people always makes me reflect on our sweet girl. I know that I've written thousands of words about Pepper, but that's how it goes. And most of them have been sad and that's how that goes as well.

This is one that came to me when I was in my car at work and a shadow crossed my vision. There was nothing there when I turned my head but it got me thinking.

Grey Ghost

When I feed our dog

Sometimes I hear two sets of feet

Clicking across the floor

In the kitchen

I know there's only one dog

But I also feel like she's there

Her stubby tail wagging

To and fro

When I'm watching TV

Or reading I see our dog

Sleeping and sometimes I

Glimpse her going up the stairs

I don't really but I think I do

Her wide hips switching

Left and right as she

Hops up each riser

When I'm laying in bed

With a book or device in hand

I think I feel her jump

Onto the bed by my feet

I know she's not there

She left us three years ago

But in my mind I see her

Hear her. And always miss her

October 13, 2014 - 1007

I posted this a FB as well. Last night I couldn't sleep very well at first. I kept thinking of Pepper, our wonderful Weimaraner who we said goodbye to 06/09/12. So I got out of bed and wrote this.

The Worst Day of My Life

The night before the day it happened

We cried. We knew it was time

So we gave her her favorite things

Soft food and bones and cookie

Pet and hugs and kisses

We had a mattress in the dining room

Because she couldn’t get up the stairs any more

Even though I could carry her up

Coming down caused her much anxiety

So we slept with her downstairs

On that morning there were more tears

I hadn’t cried for my grandfather

The inspiration for my entire professional life

Or for a friend who killed himself with no explanation

But for her I held nothing back

It was a short drive there

Less than half a mile door to door

But I made it last as long as I could

I didn’t want to make this trip

As necessary as it was

We waited until the last possible minute

Before I carried her inside

They all knew her, loved her

But not like we did; not like I did

I held her in my lap until they called us

In a small room. On a white tile floor. On a soft blue blanket

I sat her down and she laid down on the blanket

She was ready. I knew it but I wasn’t

I didn’t want to see her go

But it was time to let go

As she drifted away I held her

Her last sleep was in my arms

I’ll never forget her fur against my face

The soft whisper of her last breath

As she said goodbye to me

And I to her

June 9, 2014 - 0850

I wrote for 30 days straight, and then took over a month off. That seems about right.

I'm back today to put more words on the page for a very special member of Team R. It was 2 years ago that we lost her and it still hurts us. We talk about her all the time, make jokes at her expense, and tell stories of her exploits. But mostly, we miss her. So very much.

The Loss Is Great, The Memories Are The Same

I woke early today with her top of mind

The kind of mind that wonders about the loss of family

And wanders from memory to memory of her fuzzy face

Missing from this place for two years

Two years to the day, she went away and we had to say

Goodbye. Farewell our friend. It was the end of her days

It seemed like that day wouldn't end, it replays over and over in my mind

Again and again that fateful day that I knew would come

But I didn't want it to. I wanted it to never come

To somehow pass us by. To let her lie with us forever

And ever in our heart and home, never gone. Never gone

And she isn't. She's always with us in our hearts

Some days are easy. I'm too busy to be sad for her

I don't stop and think how much she would have liked a cookie

Or fries from my plate. But on this date I know they won't wait

They'll invade me like invaders at the castle gate

I won't stop them. I let the memories come in and ransack my mind

I let them flood over me like tidal waters breaking a dam

I let them wash away my anger of not thinking of her

Cleaning my heart with my own tears

I miss her. We miss her, every day that she isn't laying on the bed

Is another day that we are reminded that we are one less

There will always be four members of the team

Always the four forever and ever more

It isn't the memories that hurt us the most. Those are what keep her alive

For us, for me, it's the thought that I will forget her

That I will let her slip from my mind and be gone from the team

That is the most painful. That she would be only a dream

So I keep the pictures close at hand, on my phone and in my office

In my direct line of sight so that I might never let her go

Even though...she is gone

She's never gone from my mind

Every second, of every minute, of every day she's with us

In some way. Whether it's a small picture on a phone

Or a piece of cloth wrapped around a lamp or on a leash

A tag on a chain, or simply a memory burning in our brains